It's hard pretending for so many people all the time...
I find myself so angry at times. It's been ten years since the day that I tested HIV Positive. My LiFE was already changing before then, being that I was recently forced out the closet by the girl that I chose not to marry. I didn't want to lie to her, nor mySelf anymore. so out of anger she told mt mom. Who then blamed herSelf for my Sexuality, as if she had done something wrong that made me gay. I had to tell her that it wasn't her choice, nor any fault of her. The lack of support that I have gotten over the years has left me so very bitter toward so many people who I thought was family, or LOVED me without condition.Before anyone knew that I was gay, I was highly liked in the church that I attended. My family saw me as someone else who they were happy with. while I was very unhappy, and unsure of mySelf. I had allowed others to convince me that I was demon possessed. Feeling that something was wrong with me, and afraid to lose all the people I loved I fought hard to not be gay. I would Hide in my garage and pray on my knees in tears, asking GOD to make me normal. I so badly wanted to be like everyone else, and have the same feelings that everyone else had. I grew to hate mySelf. I couldn't control the feelings, I couldn't stop the dreams. I couldn't even stay away from the one guy that I gave in to. I couldn't help mySelf. I care for him so much. Every time he came over, no matter how hard I tried not to do anything, something happened anyway. Of course, in the moment I thought nothing of it. We loved each other, or at least that's what it felt like. At a young age we were very committed to one another. We would talk of the future saying how we both were going top be openly gay famous individuals. I was going to have community centers all over the US, and he was going to be a famous Pro Basketball player who would talk to the youth for me.
We had dreams and ambitions together. We spent every weekend together, and talked on the phone almost everyday. From fear of us getting caught I wanted to back away from our relationship until we were both old enough, and on our own to make our own decisions of who we want to be with, without anyone telling us we can or can't. I spoke with him about it, and he wasn't happy at all. He began to cry and throw things, saying that I didn't LOVE him. I explained to him that I would always LOVE him, and he'd be the only one for me, but he wasn't having that. He cried hysterically. I broke into tears, "Okay...Okay," I said I gave into what he wanted. No matter how afraid I was. I cared for him too much to watch him hurt. Plus, he threatened to take his own life.
There I was, sitting in my mother's closet of her room, while she was sleeping. I'm crying, telling him just how much I LOVE him. Even though I didn't want to say that. I believe that I would still be with him or at least friends if I would have stuck to my gut. A few months later he began to act funny. He began to avoid my calls, stop calling as much, only calling to have phone sex. Finally, he invited me over to spend the night and confessed to me that he didn't want to be gay anymore. Confused, I asked, "You don't want to love me anymore?"
"I will always LOVE you, but we can't be together like we are. He kissed me on my cheek and that was the last time that we slept together. I cried myself to sleep. That year was very tough for me. I was entering college for the first time, and I no longer knew what I thought I did. I really felt as if something was wrong with me.
Can I be straight? Can I LOVE a woman for my whole life? Am I demon possessed, and if I am how was he delivered and not me? These were the questions that ran through my mind. We remained friends, but the conversation was different. It was as if we had never done anything. He'd pretend as if it never happened. I stopped talking to him. I avoided him like a plague, and tried to live the life that my family and church set before me. I coaxed mySelf into believing that this was the life for me. I will be straight and I will marry a girl. And in very little time I met someone, we got engaged and set a date. It's all so vague, I was on auto-pilot most times, and other times I let other people tell me what I should and should not do, say, or think. I hadn't even reach the ripe age a twenty-one, and already I was making LiFE decisions. That I felt I had no control over.
"Do you know, one of my closest friends at that time looked me in my face when I told I was positive and said, "This is your punishment from GOD for being disobedient. As if I didn't already hate myself..."
Don't get me wrong, I loved going to church, and singing on the choir. I introduced the Mime Ministry to my church, with lots of adversity. I maintained a "good" life, but there was still this one aspect to myself that I could not git rid of. No matter how hard I tried, No matter how much I spoke in tongues, or had the holy spirit hit me I could NOT get rid of this Lust for the male anatomy. I wasn't a whore, and had only been with guys whom I were emotionally close to, and friends with. Guys that everyone else just knew we were good friends. But during the time with the girl I never disrespected. She and I weren't having sex, and I wasn't going to have sex with anyone else while proclaiming her to be my future bride. But I needed to know if this was what I wanted. So we tried to have sex, and it was then I KNEW deep within every fiber of my Being That Joshua does not like women, and it is okay. I told here. "I can't do this..."
"Do what, have sex?"
"No. marry you. I'm gay." I said flatly.
"But how? I thought you didn't have those feelings anymore?" She was in tears by this moment.
"I lied. I tried, but it's not going to work." For the first time in a long time I finally felt sleepy, rolled over, closed my eyes and went to sleep while she prayed on the floor. I guess within the next few days is when she told my mother. I have sympathy for my mother, she expected different of me as a son. That planted some deep self at at one point, always feeling I will let her down. However, I learned to have pride in my strong choices and decisions. I began to look for myself openly. I was twenty years old, still young, and I wanted to know what the world had to offer. I got to know a few men, some of them were really nice, while others were just out to get for themselves. I didn't become a whore. Hell, I had still only had sex with one guy. I still loved him. Determined to create a new me and get to know new people, I started going to the club. I had a blast. I'd smoke a blunt and dance the night away. I would hope to meet someone, but that was always never. I almost wanted to give up until I met one short, sexy man.
He was standing across the club full of people. It was dark, but somehow we managed to meet eyes. I wanted so badly to say hello, but my fear kept me from opening myself. When the club closed and I was walking to my car, I saw that he was parked near me. Another guy happened to be giving the cutie his number. The cutie saw that I was going to speak, and quickly changed my mind. Wait, he lipped. The other guy walked away, and the cutie gave me his number, and I called him so he could have my number. Then I went home. I was excited, I just recently broke off an engagement, and I was going to have an opportunity to get to know another man.
The next night he called, and asked me if I wanted to chill with him before he headed to work. I hopped in my car and drove from one end of Charlotte, to the other to meet him. He got in my car, and we talked. The connection was so strong we couldn't resist kissing, and before you know it we were in the back seat of my Ford Thunderbird fucking. Then we drove to a hotel uptown Charlotte, got a room and had sex all night long. I appreciated him for it. After that day we talked everyday. It wasn't a one night stand, we connected that night, and emotionally connected there after. I revealed things about myself to him, secrets and fears. Then one day he stopped talking, I said the wrong thing and he hung up on me. I wasn't hurt, low key, I was expecting it.
Within a mother I was dating again. I met this woman who wanted to connect her son with an older guy that would be good for him. She gave me his number and I called. We connected instantly, and he became the third guy I had ever had sex with. The first guy that i was able to openly say I loved. My family wasn't very accepting, very few. While we were together I fell ill. I had the flu for what seemed like weeks, and it just went away. I knew then something was different. He did too, but still stuck with me. I LOVED him even more, for sticking with me through great uncertainty. There were so few people who had my back at this time. I had lost my church family, my real family had become even more distant to me, and all my friends seemed so far away. I needed him in my life at that moment. The day I got tested he was the one to comfort me. I hate how the events of that day played out, but I do n remember how much he comforted me. I will always remember how badly some people hurt me that day. I am always told I should let go of the past, but I am beginning to believe that the people who say that have done the hurting. Do you know, one of my closest friends at that time looked me in my face when I told I was positive and said, "This is your punishment from GOD for being disobedient. As if I didn't already hate myself...
I can't just let it go, these event forever changed my Life, and so many people were involved, and had a hand in my LiFE, but I am the only one who has to take responsibility. I think that's bull-shit. Yeah, Now I can take responsibility for the actions that I do now, but then? I feel I can't be held responsible for going out into the world blind and confused. No one took my hand, no one stood up for me... But I must choose to just move on and get over it... I still get so upset that I have been going through my most hardest of times in my life alone. I have my husbond now, but at times we feel so alone in a world of people who will never understated, and don't seem to try hard to understand our world. Instead, we must be forced to live in a world that was made for us, and continue to get over and look past what is really going on. It's hard pretending for so many people all the time...
